365 days for you

When I was a little girl I remember my dad taking me to the county fair. There were many rides that we saw and wanted to ride, my dad took us on a ride called the Gravitron. This was a ride that spins its riders so quickly that the gravitation pull holds them to the walls while the floor drops, giving an effect of floating and defying gravity. On the ride, I felt a panicky and weird sensation as my brain fought to understand what I saw and felt. I felt like up was now sideways and that we could stand on the ceiling if we wanted. Afterward, I felt wobbly as I walked like my equilibrium wasn't quite right. While everyone acknowledges Gravity as a law of nature the ride seemed to defy that gravity and for a short time seemed to mess with reality. This ride was an experience that was largely forgotten until this year. This year the world has seen emotional and physical trauma that has left most shaken, questioning their beliefs, or what they know to be true. I have talked to many that...

I noted an interesting phenomenon this morning, I woke up at 4:30 who knows why. I felt restless and couldn't go back to sleep. As I lay on my bed I watched lights and shadows dance across my walls. I've noticed this happen many times over the year and a half that I've slept in this particular room. This morning I was curious so I sat up to see what was causing it. A lonely car was traveling the road between Ephraim and Manti as it traveled over the curves of the road the up and down hills of the road created a dancing light effect on my bedroom wall. The car was far enough away that I couldn't even see two distinct headlights, it looked small and insignificant yet it still lit up my darkened room. If a car 5 miles away can cast my shadow on my bedroom wall imagine what our individual light and darkness can do to those we think are out of our reach. When a car is driving down the highway the driver is not concerned about whether or not they are giving enough light fo...

Have you ever been driving down the road and inside you feel unsettled? As you drive you begin to realize that you don't even like the music you are listening to, you really don't even like the radio station that you are on. I do this all the time! It's like a weird silent tolerance to things we don't have to put up with simply because it's convenient. I've realized lately that I waste a lot of energy on things I don't care about as well as things that I would rather go without. Back to the radio example, the other day as I drove to work I switched between channels not liking any of the songs that were playing after a lengthy battle of going back and forth between my top 4 saved stations I finally turned the radio off. The remainder of my commute was reflective and I was able to think clearer. Why didn't I do this from the beginning? Probably because I have trained my brain to seek out distraction. Our culture has trained most of us to seek out distrac...

     The end of the year and the beginning of the year for me have been a kind of depressing time of life for me lately because I get to the marker of reminding me that once again I did not reach the goals I truly wanted to, nor do I feel like I grew to the extent that I wanted to.      This quarantine has brought on a time of change for me, my family has been trying to exercise more, to become more healthy and fit. I have seen on social media the personal evolutions that many are going through to restore and recenter themselves on things that matter most to them. I made new goals for myself and honestly it has been a really hard process. It's a constant struggle of feeling like I am taking 2 steps forward and then sliding backward over whatever ground I may have gained while hiking the mountain of self-esteem and personal growth.      I imagine many of you are feeling the same, wanting so badly to change to become a better, happier, and he...

     Years ago a professor shared a story with us in one of his lectures. He shared a story of a young boy and his best friend, he and his friend often liked going outside and playing. Oftentimes getting into mischief as is to be expected with boys. Usually, they just liked running around and playing in the dirt and around town as most boys do. One day as they were out playing together they came across a building that had many large wood boxes stacked neatly outside, the boxes were away from the street and out of the way and two young boys looked like the perfect play equipment.       The boys played for hours laughing and enjoying their time out of the house unaware of any nearby danger. Eventually, playtime came to a close and they returned to their houses seemly untouched by any harm that could have befallen them as they were away from the house that day. Days later his friend fell ill, in the days that followed he got worse and passed away.   ...

The past few days it has really hit me how much grief and loss affect each of us in our lives. No matter how much those around us seem to have it all together there is a great chance there is something that they are grieving in their life. In September my family almost lost my mom, she has always struggled with kidney stones and due to some oversight she ended up in the ICU with sepsis. For days I waited at home unable to do anything to help feeling almost crippled by the pain and fear that I might lose her. One night I went up and laid on her bed and wound up a music box and cried. I didn't want my younger brothers to see me completely fall apart so I stayed in my parents room until I had nothing left to cry. My mom recovered and was able to return home, but even now 5 months later there are moments I can still see that she is still healing from the experience. I know looking inward on my heart that I sometimes feel flashes of the fear creep back in, and that in my ow...

You don't know me, I don't know you but I want to I don't want to steal your freedom, I don't wanna change your mind I don't have to make you love me, I just wanna take your time -Sam Hunt      I had no way of knowing that the evening of July 22, 2015 would change my life forever. My summer had just died down, I was finished with my summer schooling job at the elementary school that I work at. It had become my goal to fill up as many as my evenings possible, in the fall I was starting school back up as a student at the University of Utah, and I would be working so I knew I wasn't going to have very much time for friends and socializing.     There are several details that lead me to the baseball diamond that night, most of them seeming to being inconsequential. Really the watered down version is that I was not planning on being there that night, I was no longer living in the ward and I don't like watching baseball. But I was there, and that is wh...

    I miss writing. I miss the way it sooths my soul, the way it empowers me to look at the details of my life in a positive light. There has been so much going on in my life lately that writing basically got buried in a corner forgotten.      Some of it might be due to the fact that havent felt very positively about my life lately. But I miss the feeling of being in-love with life, I miss feeling alive. Somewhere inside of myself I know that if I want to feel those things again I need to find the courage to pull out the things I love and dust them off. At first it might not be very pretty, like a painter that is out of practice there are bound to be some duds before there are masterpieces.     Here I am making it full circle with a goal that is the very reason I started this blog, I want to start writing everyday. Writing things that I hope can help and inspire others and maybe in the writings of my soul I will be able to refind myself.   ...

     More than a year ago I found myself living in a cold little apartment with my husband, during one of the coldest winters of my life. Whether it was cold because the weather or because my marriage was failing and I felt alone and isolated I'm not sure. Either way, it felt cold and barren, I came home after work to an empty apartment and would get to work on trying to start the wood burning stove so that whenever my husband came home the apartment would not be quite so frigid.      I have never been very good at lighting fires, this was no exception. I made a game out of it, trying to see if I could light the fire with only one match. It didn't work. I finally just went to the store and got a lighter because I was going through matches at a ridiculous rate. As the year went on my husband moved out, I moved back in with my parents and I realized the week of Valentine's day that I was pregnant. The emotional chill of some of those moments reminded me of ...

     Exactly 450 days ago I got married, the day that everyone says is the happiest day of your life. I was happy, incredibly happy. But happiness is a strange and interesting emotion, it's not like instant gratification or even like the anticipation of a surprise, it's soft and quiet. Happiness comes through the application of true principles in life sometimes the result is so subtle that you will completely miss the happiness if you don't know that it is real and existing right in front of you. Happiness is like a habit and if you stop nourishing it, it will fade and completely disappear, most of the time we don't notice the absence of light and happiness until it is so drastic that it would take a great change of action to restore it.     On January 24th my husband moved out after almost 13 months of marriage. I had always known marriage would be hard and that it took effort and change to make it work, I saw my older siblings in their marriages and I knew w...

In my last blog post I talked about enjoying, remembering and relishing the details of your life, this has become more and more real to me through out the summer, because the last year of my life has been one of the greatest blessings I have ever received.     Almost exactly one year ago today I was working in retail in a clothing store called DressBarn, contrary to how it sounds they actually have really cute clothes, and despite everything I did like work there. I also knew there was a lot missing in my life. I had fun coworkers, I had some awesome customers that I loved, but I felt pent up and frustrated a majority of the time.     I have always wanted to be a mother, I am LDS so a huge focus in culture and life is the family. I lived about 125 miles from my family and mostly just saw them over Holidays because I didn't have money for the travel back and forth, and I didn't want my parents to feel like they had to pay for the gas. I wasn't dating anybody or even...

    Over the years I tend to focus on lessons, they are reliable and through all the phases of life they are constant. The lessons themselves are not constantly the same, but they are constantly there. So it's an easy focus, it helps me feel like there is something semi controllable, I may not be able to control what happens around me, but I can control to some degree how much I learn from what happens.     So I never write about details in my blog, or journals really for that matter. If you searched my room you wouldn't really find a journal or anywhere that I write down the details of my life. There is not much to be found written about the places I have lived, where I work, or the people that are in my life. I don't ever talk about the men that have broken my heart, with one exception, when I felt that the lessons learned would be more beneficial to other if they knew the cause of the heart ache. There have been rare occasions when I have given insight ...

" Forget what we're told, before we get to old Show me a garden that's bursting into life." ~Snow Patrol      When I was a young girl I remember looking out my bedroom window after a rainstorm at our backyard. It was always so beautiful; rain has a way of accenting color and bringing things to life. Everything always looked richer, the bark on the old apple tree has a deep reddish orange tint after rain, the grass was greener, and even the mountains and clouds in the background looked more brilliant.       There was something so calming in that sight to me; reassuring even. Knowing that after the hard rainstorms, the hailstorms, the thunder and lightening: knowing that after all of that nature could be resilient and beautiful. Maybe it was the knowledge that, that applied to our lives as well, that after the rainstorms your life could be brilliant.      Everyone has a garden, a garden full of hopes and dreams. Weeds of doubts fear...

     I am a hopeless romantic, it's a true story. I love cheesy, but sincere lines, and old couples holding hands, happy endings and slow kisses in the rain. Once when I was about 14 years old my bishop called me up in fireside (probably about dating and relationships) and asked me to tell everybody what my ideal evening with my future spouse would be; he knew I was a hopeless romantic and for some reason thought I would give the perfect answer. I don't know if my answer really was that different than what any other girls would have been, but I do remember my answer.     I said my dream evening with my spouse would be going on a walk while holding hands. The years have changed me: I'm older, my priorities have changed, I'm a little less shallow, my perspective has changed, my faith has grown deeper, my heart has changed. This one thing about me has never changed, I am still a hopeless romantic. I have been warned to be careful and protect my heart, and to be wa...

     What is in the search? What do we find in a search that we do not find in a search engine? The moments of stumbling across a truth you have needed for sometime yet have not known where to look. When you look something up you may find exactly what you wanted, but in not having to search you may never find what you needed. What do you gain in searching? Patience, truth, knowledge and excitement for finding more. In searching for truth in life you find an exuberance, an excitement for life that you may never find if you are just handed the truth; you may never see the beauty that can be found in the journey.

    "These are the times that try men's souls. Tyranny like hell is not easily conquered; yet we have this consolation with us, that the harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph. What we obtain to cheap, we esteem to lightly: it is dearness only that gives everything its value. Heaven knows how to put a proper price on it's goods; and it would be strange indeed if so celestial an article as FREEDOM should not be highly rated."     -Thomas Paine, The American Crisis, 1776     Years ago a series of events played out in my life, not all pleasant; but required, I am convinced in the making of the person I am today.     About two and a half years ago, I was hanging out with some of my girl friends after a broadcast fireside one night. They were talking about men, as woman usually do, and their physical interactions with men; probably not with the respect that should be remembered in conversations with others. I was the innocent one in the ...

    I recently saw the new movie Cinderella, a friend of mine had suggested a night out and really wanted to see it. I had seen the trailer and while I remember thinking I would be okay with going and seeing it, another part of me also thought, really do we not have enough Cinderella movies yet? Clearly not because this one had something I somehow had missed.     I cried, when I watched Cinderella for the first time, and in the week since it has been released I have gone back to see it again. Both times I cried, not because it was sad or because I am the type of girl to just bawl through chic flick romances. It was because in this telling of Cinderella I felt more personal understanding to the story than I had ever before felt in my life. Growing up people had always said out of all the Disney princesses I was most like Cinderella, which sadly was my least favorite Disney princess. There's nothing wrong with the original telling, I just never cared for it either, I ...

    I want to start off with a story, once upon a time there was a man and a woman in a specific doctors waiting room, they had each been there several times before and many times with the same complaints and struggles. This time the doctor came out to the waiting room evaluated the two patients and looked them in the eyes. "Are you two still struggling with the same health challenges?" He asked in a calm but direct manner. They both nodded and he brought them both back to his room, he gave them both an identical bottle, with vitamin supplements meant for hormone balance.     "You both have come back several times complaining that I am not treating my patients equally, you are angry that I give different treatments to different patients although they sometimes appear to have quite similar problems. You two specifically struggle with similar problems and have been rather upset over my means of treatment."     "You have in your hands identical bottles of ho...

    "So wake me up when it's all over, when I am wiser and I'm older. All this time I was finding myself, and I didn't know I was lost." Avicii     Life has an interesting way of waking us up, waking us up to reality, up to better things, up to life, waking us up to a dream we never knew we had. Sometimes we live our lives in a fog, or mist of acceptance without ever stopping to wonder what else there is out there.     Lately my eyes have started opening to things I didn't know I was missing, I've started realizing that I am where I am in life right now because I'm afraid of most of the things I want. I've be running from things and wondering why things don't work out at the same time. Standing back looking at it, there is a lot that I have been running from, Gods plan for me, my capabilities, loving people, and believing in the power that my life (and living a righteous life) can have on those around me.     It's a big deal, realizing...

    Well it has been a week and a half since I made the goal to redefine the way I look at myself and redefine the way I see beauty in people. The biggest perspective I wanted to change was the way I see myself.     What I have found is that in being more compassionate with yourself, you find more compassion for others. In trying to be more understanding of yourself you find more patience with others.      The way you view yourself is often reflected in the way you treat other people. When I have bad days and am filled with anger or frustration most of it can be boiled down to something I have done to make myself mad. Very little of the negative emotion that I feel really ever has to do with someone else, it usually is me.     We are the root and core to our own problems, that is consistent with every person to walk this earth, I feel very strongly that, that much is true. We decide whether the things surrounding us in life are problems or...