Exactly 450 days ago I got married, the day that everyone says is the happiest day of your life. I was happy, incredibly happy. But happiness is a strange and interesting emotion, it's not like instant gratification or even like the anticipation of a surprise, it's soft and quiet. Happiness comes through the application of true principles in life sometimes the result is so subtle that you will completely miss the happiness if you don't know that it is real and existing right in front of you.
Happiness is like a habit and if you stop nourishing it, it will fade and completely disappear, most of the time we don't notice the absence of light and happiness until it is so drastic that it would take a great change of action to restore it.
On January 24th my husband moved out after almost 13 months of marriage. I had always known marriage would be hard and that it took effort and change to make it work, I saw my older siblings in their marriages and I knew when I decided to get married that I would need to work hard and really give the best of myself to be a good wife and make a happy home. It wasn't until he left that I realized my marriage had not only been hard, but it had also been unhappy and I felt ashamed. I over analyzed every part of me that I could think of that maybe could have contributed to my failure.
LaNae Valentine writes " Shame is a full mind-body-heart emotion, an intensely painful feeling and belief that we are so flawed we are not worthy of love and acceptance. One writer described it as the silent hemorrhaging of the soul. Shame makes us go into hiding. It prevents us from getting close to others for fear of disapproval or rejection. We become perfectionists, compelled to prove our worth." The more I looked over my broken marriage the more I realized this feeling of shame wasn't new I had felt it for the greater part of my marriage, not in the beginning but it slowly crept in taking over my heart like a cancer.
It started as the shame when I struggled with waves of depression not long after getting married, which is normal for me since I don't do well with change. But it was hard for my husband to understand, he always told me "Carrie, we are married you're supposed to be happy." I felt like a failure that I was so weak, that I was so affected by the shortcomings of my mortal body. I decided if I ate a more healthy diet if I exercised more if I went to church every week things would be fine, I could "fix" myself. Instead of helping the drive for perfection started to tear me apart. I traced every meltdown and breakdown I had back to something I had done wrong, I developed very extreme social anxiety because the feeling of the need to be accountable for everything.
I found there were moments I felt lost, I no longer recognized myself. Despite my exhaustive efforts, I felt like I was drowning and I couldn't find the light and beauty in life that usually was my saving grace.
When I found out my husband had painful secrets from his past that he was keeping from me somehow I still found a way to feel guilt and shame that somehow I was not enough to help him heal. I felt that if I had been kinder, more Christ-like, more patient I would have been able to gain my husband's trust and help him heal.
It's wasn't until I started going to counseling that I found the calmness to possess the emotional calamities that I had striving so hard to withstand. I've gone to a couple counseling sessions over the years of my life, and something that has always been addressed is the fact that guilt is one of my main resurfacing negative emotions, and emotions that left unchecked and unhealed can be devastating. It is truly the "silent hemorrhaging of the soul."
We all feel it don't we? In moments of sadness or loneliness, we feel the disappointment of thinking we failed, we can't do this, we don't know what we are doing, we aren't strong enough, this opposition we face is stronger than we are. These lies are some of Satans greatest deceptions, the only true power that opposition and trials we face have is the belief that we give them. One of the hardest moments for me was going to my parents and asking them if I could move back in with them because my husband had told me he wanted to leave me, I had never felt so much like a failure. But I found after being back in a home where prayers were said every morning and night, where I was hugged numerous times a day, where my brothers were excited to see me every day when I got home from work, the darkness started to dissipate. Light started to stream back into my life. The overpowering presence of opposition faded and my faith in the strength of salvation and redemption returned.
It is true that you should stand for truth even if you are standing alone, but there comes a point when you have weathered storms by yourself and have stood for what you believe in against even those you love the most that your heart begins to truly break, pieces of your heart lose hope and faith in the things that have kept you going. There comes a time you realize you have to return to the home turf of the gospel in order to win this game. In order to have the power, the strength and the conviction to keep going, to fight the good fight you need the gospel. You have to have the power of the priesthood in your life in order to overcome the guilt of the natural man. Sometimes this life feels very much like a game with plays and counter plays, and there are other times it feels like a devastating war that will tear you to pieces before you ever make it to the other side. But I testify to anyone reading this blog that the power of God is real, the love of our Heavenly Father can deliver us from anything we may be faced with. I testify to you that every pain we face in this life truly can and will be consecrated for our gain. Our trials are not proof of a disappointed God, they are proof of a believing God. He believes in us, he believes in our power to overcome, he believes in our ability to become great like him, he believes in our ability to transformed.
I know that opposition is very real and there have been times I believed I was going to be swallowed by the opposition I faced. But I know even more surely that God loves me, that he will always come to my rescue. Just as real as the power of opposition is the power of salvation.
Happiness is like a habit and if you stop nourishing it, it will fade and completely disappear, most of the time we don't notice the absence of light and happiness until it is so drastic that it would take a great change of action to restore it.
On January 24th my husband moved out after almost 13 months of marriage. I had always known marriage would be hard and that it took effort and change to make it work, I saw my older siblings in their marriages and I knew when I decided to get married that I would need to work hard and really give the best of myself to be a good wife and make a happy home. It wasn't until he left that I realized my marriage had not only been hard, but it had also been unhappy and I felt ashamed. I over analyzed every part of me that I could think of that maybe could have contributed to my failure.
LaNae Valentine writes " Shame is a full mind-body-heart emotion, an intensely painful feeling and belief that we are so flawed we are not worthy of love and acceptance. One writer described it as the silent hemorrhaging of the soul. Shame makes us go into hiding. It prevents us from getting close to others for fear of disapproval or rejection. We become perfectionists, compelled to prove our worth." The more I looked over my broken marriage the more I realized this feeling of shame wasn't new I had felt it for the greater part of my marriage, not in the beginning but it slowly crept in taking over my heart like a cancer.
It started as the shame when I struggled with waves of depression not long after getting married, which is normal for me since I don't do well with change. But it was hard for my husband to understand, he always told me "Carrie, we are married you're supposed to be happy." I felt like a failure that I was so weak, that I was so affected by the shortcomings of my mortal body. I decided if I ate a more healthy diet if I exercised more if I went to church every week things would be fine, I could "fix" myself. Instead of helping the drive for perfection started to tear me apart. I traced every meltdown and breakdown I had back to something I had done wrong, I developed very extreme social anxiety because the feeling of the need to be accountable for everything.
I found there were moments I felt lost, I no longer recognized myself. Despite my exhaustive efforts, I felt like I was drowning and I couldn't find the light and beauty in life that usually was my saving grace.
When I found out my husband had painful secrets from his past that he was keeping from me somehow I still found a way to feel guilt and shame that somehow I was not enough to help him heal. I felt that if I had been kinder, more Christ-like, more patient I would have been able to gain my husband's trust and help him heal.
It's wasn't until I started going to counseling that I found the calmness to possess the emotional calamities that I had striving so hard to withstand. I've gone to a couple counseling sessions over the years of my life, and something that has always been addressed is the fact that guilt is one of my main resurfacing negative emotions, and emotions that left unchecked and unhealed can be devastating. It is truly the "silent hemorrhaging of the soul."
We all feel it don't we? In moments of sadness or loneliness, we feel the disappointment of thinking we failed, we can't do this, we don't know what we are doing, we aren't strong enough, this opposition we face is stronger than we are. These lies are some of Satans greatest deceptions, the only true power that opposition and trials we face have is the belief that we give them. One of the hardest moments for me was going to my parents and asking them if I could move back in with them because my husband had told me he wanted to leave me, I had never felt so much like a failure. But I found after being back in a home where prayers were said every morning and night, where I was hugged numerous times a day, where my brothers were excited to see me every day when I got home from work, the darkness started to dissipate. Light started to stream back into my life. The overpowering presence of opposition faded and my faith in the strength of salvation and redemption returned.
It is true that you should stand for truth even if you are standing alone, but there comes a point when you have weathered storms by yourself and have stood for what you believe in against even those you love the most that your heart begins to truly break, pieces of your heart lose hope and faith in the things that have kept you going. There comes a time you realize you have to return to the home turf of the gospel in order to win this game. In order to have the power, the strength and the conviction to keep going, to fight the good fight you need the gospel. You have to have the power of the priesthood in your life in order to overcome the guilt of the natural man. Sometimes this life feels very much like a game with plays and counter plays, and there are other times it feels like a devastating war that will tear you to pieces before you ever make it to the other side. But I testify to anyone reading this blog that the power of God is real, the love of our Heavenly Father can deliver us from anything we may be faced with. I testify to you that every pain we face in this life truly can and will be consecrated for our gain. Our trials are not proof of a disappointed God, they are proof of a believing God. He believes in us, he believes in our power to overcome, he believes in our ability to become great like him, he believes in our ability to transformed.
I know that opposition is very real and there have been times I believed I was going to be swallowed by the opposition I faced. But I know even more surely that God loves me, that he will always come to my rescue. Just as real as the power of opposition is the power of salvation.
You are so amazing Carrie! I loved this! And I love you! <3
ReplyDeleteCarrie. Thanks so much for sharing. I love you and understand your pain. I will add you to my prayers.
ReplyDelete