365 days for you

This is going to be short, it's been a long day and it's late, my thoughts have been running circles in my head. I've been a mess all weekend running in circles trying to keep myself and everything around me running smoothly. Some times it takes a lot of effort to make life seem so well put together when inside there's such a mess. I'm a stress case I over analyze anything and everything that could possible be over analyzed, I worry that if I don't think of something no one else will either, which is sad. And I stress over every fine tuned little detail, which sometimes drives me crazy. But what I have realized this weekend is that when you have given and given and you have nothing left to give it probably means that you need to give something to yourself, and usually that thing is either love or forgiveness. Forgive who you have been in the past, and love for who you are now and who you can be in your future. If you can't learn to forgive who you have been

2 Nephi 28:21 " And others will he pacify, and lull them away into carnal security, that they will say: All is well in Zion; yeah Zion prospereth, all is well- and thus the Devil cheateth their souls, and leadeth them away carefully down to Hell"  Complacency, it's a curse of this generation of which we live. Everyone seeks for comfort, but don't get comforting lifestyles confused with comfortable lifestyles.. A comforting life style can bring you peace, joy and growth, but is not void of hard times, trial and uncomfortable stretching in our soul. But the growth and trials can bring a lot of peace, and reassurance and in the end it's comforting. A comfortable life style is limited to what is within the lines of our comfort zone and it limits us. Our body will be comfortable and reassured that a life of ease is stable and unwavering. But the soul will long for the freedom of growth. Don't barter away your soul for the complacency of this mortal life.

Okay I haven't done very good at this blogging thing lately. Part of it has to do with the fact that sometimes you feel like you have nothing left to contribute. I think inside my head I have given my all, I am out of ideas, I'm worn out and strained out of inspiration. Sometimes I feel like I can't even think of anything to inspire myself, how am I supposed to inspire others. I don't believe I'm wrong when I feel like everyone hits that point, when they have given and given until they feel that all they have left is an empty heart and even emptier hands. The interesting thing is I am coming to realize more and more that I'm not the one giving anymore. It really doesn't matter if I'm out of ideas and I am drawing blanks and it does not matter that I don't feel if I have anything left to contribute because I know the lord does. He always has more to give and contribute and he uses us as his tools. So even when we feel like we are at the end of our r

When I was younger I loved writing it seemed to make more sense than talking sometimes. You could think things through clearly and reflect on words the way you do a great masterpiece. I feel like words are symbols of our deepest emotion. Because when it comes down to it there's not very many word that truly describe the reality and depth of what we feel and see in life, but we do our best to share it with others, and we do it through words. I go back and read some of the things I wrote when I was young and I don't think I always knew what I was talking about when I wrote, but the way part of my crying it out so I wrote it. Now years and years later I read things that describe exactly what I'm feeling right, and think how could I have known, I obviously didn't, but I had the insight to write it down. Words are beautiful but to often they are just in the moment and they are forgotten, they are timeless and yet given to much time they are quickly forgotten. I've lear

I'm a mess sometimes, actually it's not just me, it's life. Life is messy, it's emotional, and because we go so much by emotion, logic flees the scene. Sometimes that what makes things messy is when we either use our head or our heart, and somehow when I start using both of them life gets a little less messy and a bit more sensical (if that's even a word, it is now, I'm running with it) its the balance of your head and heart that bring things together. I don't really ever listen to me own advice, like ever. I am fantastic at giving great advice, I think I would make a fabulous relationship advisor, however it has completely escaped on how to make my own relationships flourish. However I have gotten very good at something else, breathing (yup that is my secret, the cat is out of the bag) breathing. When nothing else makes ensemble and everything is falling apart, breathing makes a hug difference, we'll it better, without it we would die, so yeah I would

We live in such a big world, yeah I know what your thinking, no brainer everyone already knows that. Tonight though I was out laying on the grass looking at the sky and the clouds with my roommate, and it was beautiful there is beauty in vastness. There are so many things out there left for us to study and marvel at and one of the greatest is the sky to me. I think it's beautiful I am amazed at the texture the depth and the detail to the sky, even more I like observing it as n artist, I have not in all my years ever been able to mimic the beauty and depth the one evening sky has. Not is a dozen paintings, I've tried and I've practiced and the harder it gets to mimic, the more I am amazed by beauty. Even more than the night sky what's even harder for me to capture the beauty of is people. Not in painting, writing or music they are full of dimensions of beauty that I can't even begin to understand. People are stunning, they are breath taking and for some reason they h

I don't think I realized when I made the goal to keep up a blog every day for the next 365 days just how hard it was going to be. Not only am I dot in the habit of writing in a journal, something I have worked to overcome, with no avail. I just didn't realize how hard it is to come up with something that is of value to type about every 24 hours. I think about this blog during my day, everyday trying to come up with something that may be of value to someone who is struggling with life, or needs to feel uplifted, or even  something that will be of value to me when I look back on these blog posts. My big struggle right now is that I don't know what to tell anyone when I don't even know what to tell myself. Life is messy and right now I don't have very many answers to anything. I like science because it teaches you to be okay with asking questions that may not have answers, well right now I feel like the majority of my life consists of questions that I don't reall

Every once in a while in life you get a reminder that everyone has 500 day sprees of finding parts of themselves that they didn't know existed. Sometimes its through pain, sometimes it's through joy. But either way there comes a morning you wake up feeling sure of what you were never sure of before.

    A couple weeks ago I went and watched the movie ' A Fault in Our Stars' in the theaters, i cried, not just the sad end of a movie cry. It was an almost hysterical, I'm falling apart, and for some reason this is really hitting home cry. I don't know why. Well at least I didn't at the time, I cried myself to sleep, and I didn't know why. I started crying and just didn't really stop until I feel asleep.     Well not everything remains a mystery, and not everything is apparent immediately, somethings just come when they come. This did, it came, there was no stopping it, it came.     At the end of the movie there is a moment when Hazel Grace is reading a letter from Augustus, something he wrote to her or about her before he died. He tells her that pain is part of life, and that we can't choose pain, he says " You don’t get to choose if you get hurt in this world, but you do have some say in who hurts you. I like my choices. I hope she likes hers. I

I had something I wanted to write about for tonight's blog, I had something that I had been contemplating for a while and had finally formulated a way to talk about. However it would end up being a long blog, which I have no problem with, except that I don't feel very well. My thoughts are having a hard time being complete. My brain hurts and I feel like i have been emotionally running in circles, just a tad. And I decided not everything has to be done now, yes sometimes there are some very meaningful things that you would like to see happen that just can't right now. And this is one of those times, it doesn't mean that the future can't bring those things you want to see, it just means that you sometimes have to be okay with waiting for it. I will write about the things I feel the most about. but I am not going to throw something together just cause I need something to post. I have started to learn that you can't throw the most important things to you out there

There are some strange patterns that exist in our society, basically in every aspect, but a lot of them are concerning beauty and what some consider to be fashion. I work in retail, and as a retail store we have monthly subscriptions to most, if not all, beauty and fashion magazines available to the area. While on my lunch break I look through the magazines to see what is in fashion for the Oscars. I like to see what the world considers classic. Well sometimes there are some very beautiful things, and some things are down right hideous. Sometimes there are things I see that I am pretty sure my great grandma wore, which isn't always bad. . . but lets face it sometimes it is bad. There are somethings that weren't meant to be worn once let alone twice. I have wondered in my head what makes things go in cycles why do we go back to what we have once left behind? My thoughts have come to beauty, we are seeking after beauty and we want others to see us as being beautiful. When we l

There is a two headed serpent that exists in my life right now, or a two blade sword. I have not figured out for certain which of the two it is, but I know that there are two sides and the border that separates them is decision. In life we like to think that there is a right and a wrong to every question, or scenario or every life situation. I think we find it calming to see that there is one thing that will be correct and if chosen it will bring as a secure feeling of being right and safe. And when there's not a right choice, we almost feel lost knowing that it is now up to us to analyze the situation and figure out what we want, and it is now in our hands to be happy with what we choose. When I choose something that I know was right, it's like I have something to hold on to, to reassure myself when it gets hard. I can tell myself that I know what I did is right. However when I know that there isn't a right answer, really the balance is held in my hands. I don't have

Lately there hasn't been a whole lot about my life that has made absolute sense. But the things that do make sense right now I am sure will never change. I know absolutely that I am a beautiful daughter of God made not only purposefully, but made on purpose, even the parts of me that I consider to be ugly. But somethings aren't as ugly or as bad as they first seem, you just have to wait to see the unexpected and sometimes unexplainable beauty. I know that this life is amazing and beautiful, but it seems to me that only a belief in a being higher than yourself whether it's God, or Buddha, or whatever thing it is people choose to believe in gives you enough insight and hope and depth to see past all the scars and marred moments of life to see beauty, I know that God loves his children enough to speak to them, not only in the past, but also now he will always find a way to speak to his children, because he loves them. I also know that the saying "if its not okay than i