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There's someone in my life

    A couple weeks ago I went and watched the movie ' A Fault in Our Stars' in the theaters, i cried, not just the sad end of a movie cry. It was an almost hysterical, I'm falling apart, and for some reason this is really hitting home cry. I don't know why. Well at least I didn't at the time, I cried myself to sleep, and I didn't know why. I started crying and just didn't really stop until I feel asleep.
    Well not everything remains a mystery, and not everything is apparent immediately, somethings just come when they come. This did, it came, there was no stopping it, it came.
    At the end of the movie there is a moment when Hazel Grace is reading a letter from Augustus, something he wrote to her or about her before he died. He tells her that pain is part of life, and that we can't choose pain, he says "You don’t get to choose if you get hurt in this world, but you do have some say in who hurts you. I like my choices. I hope she likes hers. I do."
    I've made choices. There is someone in my life, someone that has hurt me very much, someone that I have chosen to let hurt me. He is amazing and the best thing I've ever chose to hurt over. I cried realizing I chose to hurt over a man that I never knew whether or not he would choose to hurt over me. He was my choice and I don't know if I will ever be his choice.
    However I also know that people don't only cause pain and we don't look at people and decide they are worth the pain. We also choose whether or not the pain is worth the joy they give you. The people that cause you pain, also give you joy. Amazing amounts of joy, this person means a lot to me, not just because he is worth the pain, but more than anything he is worth the joy and happiness too. I do care whether I end up being someones choice, but right now it doesn't determine or change the fact that even if I was never his choice, I will never regret making him my choice. I am a better person from loving him. This choice is part of who I am, and I don't regret it. I won't apologize for choosing to love with so much uncertainty, and choosing pain with no guarantee of just as much joy to come.
    Love is weird, and calming and upsetting, amazing and joyful and unsettling. There's not really any one thing that you can say that will make love make sense, but when you feel it's like watching the sunrise, you anticipate it for so long, you search for sign of it coming for so long you feel it will never rise. When it does you eyes are shocked by the brightness and the beauty, "it comes slowly and than all at once." as it says it the movie. Once you see the beauty, it's like it's the only thing that does make sense anymore.
     Falling in love I have felt like I suddenly know nothing and still have everything to learn, and like I know everything and nothing makes sense. Because love is an eternal emotion and we live in a mortal and temporary life, love doesn't do temporary very well so living life makes it hard. It's not really love that's hard though, it's this life that we have to love in. It's life that hurts and love makes it better and harder at the same time. Better because it's freedom and liberating, and harder because you have to be vulnerable and choke down pride and choose to let those closest to you hurt you.
    The more I see the less I know, or maybe it's just that the more I see there more I realize there is left undiscovered. Love is like that, there more I open my eyes to it, the more I realize there is left to feel. I haven't even touched the tip of the ice berg, but what I have seen is beautiful.
    Pain is inevitable but feeling it has been a pleasure, to have my eyes opened to something that every time I feel it, it's like reading a new page to the best book ever written. And no matter how many times I read it there's always more, and something deeper.
There's someone in my life. . .
"My thoughts are stars that I can't fathom into constellations"  Augustus Waters, The Fault in Our Sta

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