More than a year ago I found myself living in a cold little apartment with my husband, during one of the coldest winters of my life. Whether it was cold because the weather or because my marriage was failing and I felt alone and isolated I'm not sure. Either way, it felt cold and barren, I came home after work to an empty apartment and would get to work on trying to start the wood burning stove so that whenever my husband came home the apartment would not be quite so frigid.
I have never been very good at lighting fires, this was no exception. I made a game out of it, trying to see if I could light the fire with only one match. It didn't work. I finally just went to the store and got a lighter because I was going through matches at a ridiculous rate. As the year went on my husband moved out, I moved back in with my parents and I realized the week of Valentine's day that I was pregnant. The emotional chill of some of those moments reminded me of the cute but very cold apartment and those nights of trying to start the fire so I could get warm by the fire.
There have been many moments in my life over the past year that I have found myself emotionally trying to light a fire within myself when I felt like I only had one match or no matches at all. I had my faith in God that I was clinging to like a drowning sailor in a storm, but sometimes that still felt inadequate to save me from the darkness, cold and isolation that I felt constantly bombarding me.
I know that I do not stand alone in my spiritual, mental and emotional battles. Even the most seemingly perfect person has these battles that they fight in the silent chambers of their soul. In fact, even Christ the only perfect one to walk on this earth fought this battle for each of us. He experienced complete isolation and abandonment so that we would have something to hold on to when we felt alone and weak.
Today I look at a life in front of me that often still feels like it's in shambles, like a crumbling city being rebuilt after an earthquake. My bedroom is a mess when laundry gets done it usually doesn't get folded, school work just gets scrunched in when I have the energy, and I am still searching for the energy to be passionate about my work. But at the end of the day, I come home to my beautiful baby girl, I see the love and belief she has for me and I know that brighter days are coming and even when the days feel long and cold I do have a match to light a fire.
As much as I doubt myself and struggle with any belief in myself I look at my daughter and know that God does know me in detail and despite my weaknesses or maybe even because of them, he loves me. He trusts me, he believes in me and he is cheering me on at every turn. I'm realizing I don't have to prove anything, its okay if many around me seem to be able to do effortlessly many things that seem to at the moment take everything out of me. I know that our loving Heavenly Father will never leave us to freeze in the dark, as long as we are seeking him, trying our hardest and getting up every day to keep trying he will light a fire for us until we are able to do it ourselves. We don't have to do it by ourselves and we are never alone.
Our efforts to keep going, to get up every day and try again even when we failed the day before are the only fire that we need, that spark that spurs you on to continue and not give up. Someday as long as you keep going you will feel warmth and joy.
I have never been very good at lighting fires, this was no exception. I made a game out of it, trying to see if I could light the fire with only one match. It didn't work. I finally just went to the store and got a lighter because I was going through matches at a ridiculous rate. As the year went on my husband moved out, I moved back in with my parents and I realized the week of Valentine's day that I was pregnant. The emotional chill of some of those moments reminded me of the cute but very cold apartment and those nights of trying to start the fire so I could get warm by the fire.
There have been many moments in my life over the past year that I have found myself emotionally trying to light a fire within myself when I felt like I only had one match or no matches at all. I had my faith in God that I was clinging to like a drowning sailor in a storm, but sometimes that still felt inadequate to save me from the darkness, cold and isolation that I felt constantly bombarding me.
I know that I do not stand alone in my spiritual, mental and emotional battles. Even the most seemingly perfect person has these battles that they fight in the silent chambers of their soul. In fact, even Christ the only perfect one to walk on this earth fought this battle for each of us. He experienced complete isolation and abandonment so that we would have something to hold on to when we felt alone and weak.
Today I look at a life in front of me that often still feels like it's in shambles, like a crumbling city being rebuilt after an earthquake. My bedroom is a mess when laundry gets done it usually doesn't get folded, school work just gets scrunched in when I have the energy, and I am still searching for the energy to be passionate about my work. But at the end of the day, I come home to my beautiful baby girl, I see the love and belief she has for me and I know that brighter days are coming and even when the days feel long and cold I do have a match to light a fire.
As much as I doubt myself and struggle with any belief in myself I look at my daughter and know that God does know me in detail and despite my weaknesses or maybe even because of them, he loves me. He trusts me, he believes in me and he is cheering me on at every turn. I'm realizing I don't have to prove anything, its okay if many around me seem to be able to do effortlessly many things that seem to at the moment take everything out of me. I know that our loving Heavenly Father will never leave us to freeze in the dark, as long as we are seeking him, trying our hardest and getting up every day to keep trying he will light a fire for us until we are able to do it ourselves. We don't have to do it by ourselves and we are never alone.
Our efforts to keep going, to get up every day and try again even when we failed the day before are the only fire that we need, that spark that spurs you on to continue and not give up. Someday as long as you keep going you will feel warmth and joy.
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