When I was a little girl I remember my dad taking me to the county fair. There were many rides that we saw and wanted to ride, my dad took us on a ride called the Gravitron. This was a ride that spins its riders so quickly that the gravitation pull holds them to the walls while the floor drops, giving an effect of floating and defying gravity. On the ride, I felt a panicky and weird sensation as my brain fought to understand what I saw and felt. I felt like up was now sideways and that we could stand on the ceiling if we wanted. Afterward, I felt wobbly as I walked like my equilibrium wasn't quite right. While everyone acknowledges Gravity as a law of nature the ride seemed to defy that gravity and for a short time seemed to mess with reality. This ride was an experience that was largely forgotten until this year.
This year the world has seen emotional and physical trauma that has left most shaken, questioning their beliefs, or what they know to be true. I have talked to many that feel like the very ground from under their feet is disappearing, make them question even some of the simple truths of life. Like gravity, there are truths that help ground us in life some of them being very personal, some of them being very universal like laws of motion and entropy. To those who are questioning their truths, I offer these insights.
A couple of weeks ago I opened up to a very candid conversation with my mom about hard times, oppression, postpartum depression, and the will to keep going when you don't feel like you can live another day. During this conversation, I shared with her what has pulled me through the hardest of times for me. I don't often talk about postpartum depression partly because I don't like dwelling on negative experiences of life, but also because I think there is part of me that feels very deep shame for the emotions I felt. Some of you reading this will know that I went through a divorce shortly before my daughter was born. My family was there for me which I am very grateful for but that didn't mean it was easy. I often felt very alone, I felt inadequate and for a while, my struggles were based on healing from the pain of heartbreak and betrayal.
About 6 months into my daughter's life something else crept into my life. I have almost always dealt with depression so I was keeping my eyes open for symptoms of postpartum depression but I was not prepared for what was coming. In the middle of the night was when it hit me the worst, it was dark, everyone else was asleep and most nights I didn't know how to calm my daughter's cries. I would sit there in my daughter's room holding her in the dark as she cried, tears rolling down my own cheeks as I prayed for strength to keep going.
The days seemed like bright happy blessings my daughter smiled often, she was the most beautiful human I had ever seen and it was obvious that she loved her mama. But the nights seemed like a moonless night in the middle of the winter with no coat to save me from the frigid temperatures biting at me. They seemed to last forever and every night seemed to be the same. I blamed a lot on myself, I thought if I could just calm myself maybe I'd be able to calm my daughter.
I found myself questioning whether my medications helped and whether or not it mattered if I took them, I questioned whether I was giving my daughter what she needed. I wondered if I was good enough to even be a mom.
I didn't talk a lot about what I was going through to anyone, I was too ashamed to say anything to my family, and all my doctor's appointments were during the day and my night fears seemed silly to bring up then. How many of us have felt that very real fear that we are beyond help? We are scared medications won't work, we are scared we will be judged if we voice our struggles. We are scared we are alone because behind the curtains of each individual life we don't see the fight others go through to get back up on the stage. I didn't have a doctor at 3:00 a.m. to check on me and see what was wrong, and you don't take trips to the E.R. in the middle of the night for pep talks.
I don't know where I found my breakthrough but I'm convinced that God had been helping me through this entire time and that finally one day I was listening close enough to hear what he was saying. One day I started thinking of a list of things that I know to be true. Like Gravity, there are some things that are true no matter what, no matter how you feel about them. Truths that when you remind yourself of them they give you enough hope to hang on till the sun rises in the morning.
Us humans are emotional creatures we weight a lot of what we think by how we feel, sometimes we forget that there are some things that never change no matter how you feel. Truth does not change with our emotions, but sometimes our perception of the truth does. My saving grace through these dark nights was my list
This year the world has seen emotional and physical trauma that has left most shaken, questioning their beliefs, or what they know to be true. I have talked to many that feel like the very ground from under their feet is disappearing, make them question even some of the simple truths of life. Like gravity, there are truths that help ground us in life some of them being very personal, some of them being very universal like laws of motion and entropy. To those who are questioning their truths, I offer these insights.
A couple of weeks ago I opened up to a very candid conversation with my mom about hard times, oppression, postpartum depression, and the will to keep going when you don't feel like you can live another day. During this conversation, I shared with her what has pulled me through the hardest of times for me. I don't often talk about postpartum depression partly because I don't like dwelling on negative experiences of life, but also because I think there is part of me that feels very deep shame for the emotions I felt. Some of you reading this will know that I went through a divorce shortly before my daughter was born. My family was there for me which I am very grateful for but that didn't mean it was easy. I often felt very alone, I felt inadequate and for a while, my struggles were based on healing from the pain of heartbreak and betrayal.
About 6 months into my daughter's life something else crept into my life. I have almost always dealt with depression so I was keeping my eyes open for symptoms of postpartum depression but I was not prepared for what was coming. In the middle of the night was when it hit me the worst, it was dark, everyone else was asleep and most nights I didn't know how to calm my daughter's cries. I would sit there in my daughter's room holding her in the dark as she cried, tears rolling down my own cheeks as I prayed for strength to keep going.
The days seemed like bright happy blessings my daughter smiled often, she was the most beautiful human I had ever seen and it was obvious that she loved her mama. But the nights seemed like a moonless night in the middle of the winter with no coat to save me from the frigid temperatures biting at me. They seemed to last forever and every night seemed to be the same. I blamed a lot on myself, I thought if I could just calm myself maybe I'd be able to calm my daughter.
I found myself questioning whether my medications helped and whether or not it mattered if I took them, I questioned whether I was giving my daughter what she needed. I wondered if I was good enough to even be a mom.
I didn't talk a lot about what I was going through to anyone, I was too ashamed to say anything to my family, and all my doctor's appointments were during the day and my night fears seemed silly to bring up then. How many of us have felt that very real fear that we are beyond help? We are scared medications won't work, we are scared we will be judged if we voice our struggles. We are scared we are alone because behind the curtains of each individual life we don't see the fight others go through to get back up on the stage. I didn't have a doctor at 3:00 a.m. to check on me and see what was wrong, and you don't take trips to the E.R. in the middle of the night for pep talks.
I don't know where I found my breakthrough but I'm convinced that God had been helping me through this entire time and that finally one day I was listening close enough to hear what he was saying. One day I started thinking of a list of things that I know to be true. Like Gravity, there are some things that are true no matter what, no matter how you feel about them. Truths that when you remind yourself of them they give you enough hope to hang on till the sun rises in the morning.
Us humans are emotional creatures we weight a lot of what we think by how we feel, sometimes we forget that there are some things that never change no matter how you feel. Truth does not change with our emotions, but sometimes our perception of the truth does. My saving grace through these dark nights was my list
- This will not last forever.
- My daughter loves me and believes in me.
- God believes in my ability to overcome my challenges.
- Hardship is evidence of God's belief in me, not his disappointment.
- My daughter deserves more than a mother that gave up.
- I am worthy of my own love and forgiveness.
This list saved my life many times, it reminded me who I am. Even in my emotional Gravitron of life when the ground seemed to drop from beneath my feet and I started to wonder where my foundation was I found surety, faith, and confidence. I found the light to believe in something beyond my darkest nights. It reminded me of what was true and real even in the moments when I didn't feel it.
There were times through this experience that I wanted to be a Disney Princess and that a handsome Disney Prince would swoop in a save me. At one point I felt bitter that no one was going to save me, but I realized someone can't save you from yourself, I learned that I couldn't rely on someone else to do the work of healing. No one can love you enough to make up for a lack of love for yourself. So I took a deep breath and I started looking inside myself for solutions, I started working on my heart, my acceptance, and my compassion for myself.
I read my list often and as I read those affirmations I felt my heart begin to believe them again. I felt healing begin when I finally acknowledged that I needed my own confirmation as much as anyone else's. A song by Maren Morris says, "You didn't save me, You didn't think I needed saving.
You didn't change me, You didn't think I needed changing
My wings are frayed and what's left of my halo's black, Lucky for me, your kind of heaven's been to Hell and back."
Sometimes the reason others don't reach out and try and save us is that they don't realize we need it. I don't think anyone thought I needed saving, but I did. We all do. This life is hard for everyone, not just me, not just you. There are lists of truths that nothing on earth can destroy some of them as simple as gravity, something we all know about. Other truths are things we are all searching for like love, forgiveness, and compassion for ourselves and others.
As the world evolves around us sometimes we feel like the ground we used to stand on is gone but if we can each find our truths of life and hold to them it will bring us comfort and strength
Maybe when we do see Heaven we will find that it is for those of us that have been to Hell and back.
Find your truth, live your truth. And always remember that no one can take your place.
Resources for more information if you struggle with depression.
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