"So wake me up when it's all over, when I am wiser and I'm older. All this time I was finding myself, and I didn't know I was lost." Avicii
Life has an interesting way of waking us up, waking us up to reality, up to better things, up to life, waking us up to a dream we never knew we had. Sometimes we live our lives in a fog, or mist of acceptance without ever stopping to wonder what else there is out there.
Lately my eyes have started opening to things I didn't know I was missing, I've started realizing that I am where I am in life right now because I'm afraid of most of the things I want. I've be running from things and wondering why things don't work out at the same time. Standing back looking at it, there is a lot that I have been running from, Gods plan for me, my capabilities, loving people, and believing in the power that my life (and living a righteous life) can have on those around me.
It's a big deal, realizing that you have been running from what you need most, and ultimately what you truly desire. Well the Lord definitely has a way of waking you in the right moments when you can respond the best.
I have been wanting to go through the temple for some time now, I've always wanted to go through the temple but for a long time I just figured I would be going through when I got married. I'm 24 years old and not married, which is okay, I don't love it I would like progression, but it's okay I still have a beautiful life and faith.
I have tried to live my life preparing to go to the temple so that I wouldn't have to change my life style, it would already be a part of who I am. Granted I'm not perfect, and there are always things you realize you need to change, such is life, that's the way it's supposed to be, it's called growth. Last June I felt very strongly I needed to make even more of an effort to make sure the temple was a priority to me, and I lived my life as if it was a priority. I felt like I needed to redouble my efforts to know all I can about the temple through scripture study and talks by Apostles and Prophets.
I decided to go more often and truly reflect and contemplate as I did go, and it's been amazing, I am so grateful for the temple, it means the world to me. In December I had been fasting and praying just for guidance and understanding for some things in my life and clear as a bell I felt like it was time to go through the temple, I wanted it and I had prayed about it, and prepared for it, and I felt like now was the time. So I set up an appointment with my bishop to talk to him about what I needed to do to make this happened. I went in and told him everything that was going through my mind, and what my thoughts were.
The result of this meeting was not what I wanted or had expected, but he told me that he wanted me to wait, simple as that. He would be starting up a temple prep class in a couple months and despite that fact that I had already taken the classes in an old ward he wanted me to retake them. I was crushed and kind of lost feeling I had felt that my answer had been so clear, and now I just didn't know how to feel or what to think.
I went home that night frustrated that I had sincerely tried to date and progress in that area of my life and men didn't seem to want that. I am fun to be around, but I'm not the fun type when it comes to dating. When of my past roommates said "Carrie, you are not the type a guy hangs out with and wants to play video games with, you are the type he takes home to meet his mother." I guess that's a little more accurate than I sometimes want, I'm just a bit more serious went it comes to matters of the heart. My dating life, or lack of one hadn't really lead me anywhere I wanted to stay. I felt like no matter how I looked at the scenario there was a man standing in the way of the growth that I really wanted, I had not met anyone I loved that loved me back enough to go through the temple, and my bishop wanted me to wait.
To say say I wasn't a little angry would be a lie, I was angry but I also knew that in past I had seen the doors the lord opened for me, and I knew that he always had grander plans than even I could come up with, and I have quite the imagination. So I forced myself to take ten deep breaths and fight down the anger and just keep going.
Its been almost three months since than, and I am so grateful my bishop had the insight to make me wait. In waiting I realized how much the temple really does mean to me and how much temptation you have to walk away from if you want to worthily keep temple attendance as a regular part of your life. I love the temple so much, and I am realizing that much like the children of Israel the Lord commands you to wonder through the wilderness for a little while longer before entering the Promised Land.
If you never realize that you are lost, you will probably never have the desire to be found, so as painful as it is sometimes God lets us feel lost, so that someday we will turn to Him and plead to be found. I'm still a little lost, we all are, but we can find ourselves more everyday. We find the version of us he intended to flourish and grow, we find the version of us we believe in, and we find the version of us that we truly desire to be.
At that last day we will stand at His feet, and we will finally be completely found.
It's a big deal, realizing that you have been running from what you need most, and ultimately what you truly desire. Well the Lord definitely has a way of waking you in the right moments when you can respond the best.
I have been wanting to go through the temple for some time now, I've always wanted to go through the temple but for a long time I just figured I would be going through when I got married. I'm 24 years old and not married, which is okay, I don't love it I would like progression, but it's okay I still have a beautiful life and faith.
I have tried to live my life preparing to go to the temple so that I wouldn't have to change my life style, it would already be a part of who I am. Granted I'm not perfect, and there are always things you realize you need to change, such is life, that's the way it's supposed to be, it's called growth. Last June I felt very strongly I needed to make even more of an effort to make sure the temple was a priority to me, and I lived my life as if it was a priority. I felt like I needed to redouble my efforts to know all I can about the temple through scripture study and talks by Apostles and Prophets.
I decided to go more often and truly reflect and contemplate as I did go, and it's been amazing, I am so grateful for the temple, it means the world to me. In December I had been fasting and praying just for guidance and understanding for some things in my life and clear as a bell I felt like it was time to go through the temple, I wanted it and I had prayed about it, and prepared for it, and I felt like now was the time. So I set up an appointment with my bishop to talk to him about what I needed to do to make this happened. I went in and told him everything that was going through my mind, and what my thoughts were.
The result of this meeting was not what I wanted or had expected, but he told me that he wanted me to wait, simple as that. He would be starting up a temple prep class in a couple months and despite that fact that I had already taken the classes in an old ward he wanted me to retake them. I was crushed and kind of lost feeling I had felt that my answer had been so clear, and now I just didn't know how to feel or what to think.
I went home that night frustrated that I had sincerely tried to date and progress in that area of my life and men didn't seem to want that. I am fun to be around, but I'm not the fun type when it comes to dating. When of my past roommates said "Carrie, you are not the type a guy hangs out with and wants to play video games with, you are the type he takes home to meet his mother." I guess that's a little more accurate than I sometimes want, I'm just a bit more serious went it comes to matters of the heart. My dating life, or lack of one hadn't really lead me anywhere I wanted to stay. I felt like no matter how I looked at the scenario there was a man standing in the way of the growth that I really wanted, I had not met anyone I loved that loved me back enough to go through the temple, and my bishop wanted me to wait.
To say say I wasn't a little angry would be a lie, I was angry but I also knew that in past I had seen the doors the lord opened for me, and I knew that he always had grander plans than even I could come up with, and I have quite the imagination. So I forced myself to take ten deep breaths and fight down the anger and just keep going.
Its been almost three months since than, and I am so grateful my bishop had the insight to make me wait. In waiting I realized how much the temple really does mean to me and how much temptation you have to walk away from if you want to worthily keep temple attendance as a regular part of your life. I love the temple so much, and I am realizing that much like the children of Israel the Lord commands you to wonder through the wilderness for a little while longer before entering the Promised Land.
If you never realize that you are lost, you will probably never have the desire to be found, so as painful as it is sometimes God lets us feel lost, so that someday we will turn to Him and plead to be found. I'm still a little lost, we all are, but we can find ourselves more everyday. We find the version of us he intended to flourish and grow, we find the version of us we believe in, and we find the version of us that we truly desire to be.
At that last day we will stand at His feet, and we will finally be completely found.
Comments
Post a Comment